Bucket List
by TheVeryCheesyAuthor
Summary: In which Harry Potter tries to pun in every single situation, becomes a wizard, gets his bucket list mauled by Snape, and somehow manages to survive.
1. Chapter 1

**In which Harry Potter tries to pun in every single situation, becomes a wizard, gets his bucket list mauled by Snape, and somehow manages to survive.**

* * *

Harry Potter was a strange child to say the least. He rarely ate, was always locked in a cupboard, had 'parents' that forgot about his birthday, accidentally unleashed a snake, and much more.

But one thing was the strangest of them all– Harry somehow made every. single. damn. saying. into. a. pun.

It all started out with a book, an old textbook that his teacher had given to him because it was so goddamn old. He flipped through the pages, dust rising from the old and worn sheets, blowing into his face.

The young nine year old sitting on his bed in his cupboard grimaced again when something strangely green and sticky held several yellow, coffee-stained pages together. He swallowed a gulp.

Slowly, and tentatively, he peeled the pages apart. He looked away, expecting some kind of monster to leap out at him, only to discover many crude tiny sketches and writing by the margins. Harry peered through his glasses at the tiny words.

 _What building has the most stories?_

Harry smiled and squinted at the reply.

 _A library!_

A crooked grin made its way onto his face, and his eyes sparkled with mirth.

 _Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine? It wooden go!_

It was something so beautiful, artistic, and witty–he couldn't help but fall in love. It was meant to be.

And from that day on, Harry Potter was known as the boy who punned.

* * *

Harry Potter was on a train that zoomed past tall trees and wide branches, weaving itself magically through the woods.

Harry Potter was currently sitting in his seat and sharing Chocolate Frogs with Ronald Weasley until a specific blond haired git entered the room. The blond wore a smirk, already dressed in black robes, and had two other boys right beside him.

" Harry Potter." The blond smirked out before looking into Ron's direction, " Blood traitor."

" Y-You.." Ron spit out,

Ron paled.

" Hi Draco." Harry said calmly.

Ron broke out into a sweat.

" How are you?" Draco asked.

Ron started hyperventilating.

" Well I'm as single as a Knut," Harry said.

" And?"

" I'm looking for some change." He finished, winking in Malfoy's direction.

Draco Malfoy did not expect an answer like that. He was trained to be regal, chilling, and calm. However, the mere words that came out of Harry Potter had him running down the train, furiously blushing, and stuttering like an idiot.

" M-My f-father will hear a-about t-this!"

* * *

" Harry Potter!" The sorting hat shrieked out.

Harry, who had his face buried in his old textbook peeked out at amazed faces. So this was Harry Potter, some mused, the boy who lived. He, however, did not know anything about the houses because he had been too absorbed in coming up puns and reading books.

Tripping upstage, he fixed his robe, and flashed a charming grin.

" Can I Slytherin into Gryffindor, Mr. Sorting Hat?" Harry said loudly.

" Mr. Potter," Mrs. McGonagall said shrilly, " Did you not hear a word that I just said?"

Ron groaned, and Hermione just sighed.

* * *

" Hey Professor."

Harry was in Potions class with a herd of Slytherins, and with an incredibly dangerously mean Potions Master. Everyone held their breath for what came next.

" Ah yes, Potter–our new celebrity."

" Oh why thank you! I knew it, I was destined to become famous."

Snape's jaws literally fell apart. No way this was Lily's and James's son. First of all, Lily was such a sweet person and she would never be this narcissistic. Second of all, James wasn't even that bad when it came to his ego. Third of all, they both had a sarcastic, dry sense of humor. Not something like this!

" Fame isn't everything, Potter."

" Well professor..." Harry pulled out a ruler and began measuring Snape.

The man twitched and hissed, " What are you doing?"

" I'm measuring your patience, Professor."

Giggle erupted. Ron twitched in laughter, and Hermione rolled her eyes.

This was going to be a very long year.

* * *

Harry took out his bucket list that he had made the day he had opened the Hogwarts letter. He smiled and checked one more thing off the list.

1) Be a badass

2) Kick the dude's ass who killed my parents (aka Voldemort)

3) Be the Minister of Magic (this is a secret shh)

4) Get paid to kick ass (imagine how many brooms he could afford)

5) Have a collection of expensive brooms

6) Be a badass (was this repeated? oh well.)

7) Annoy Snape (check!)

Ron suddenly popped up and said, " What is that?"

" Just my bucket list."

Ron came closer, " You actually wrote You-Know-Who's name on here? What in the bloody hell were you thinking about? Writing his name is still taboo!"

Harry smirked and crossed his arms, " Then don't be nosy."

Ron's lips turned upwards.

" Because Voldemort doesn't have a nose!"

* * *

It was breakfast, and a broom had thudded onto the table and rolled into Harry's lap. The owls were tired, exhausted as they seemingly leaned against a mug. Hermione had gaped at it, before gasping at the Daily Prophet's headlines.

 _Muggles killed by mysterious forces? By: Rita Skeeter_

" Oh my! These poor muggles, the Ministry of Magic must do something to help them!"

" Would you owls like a muggle of water?" Harry grinned boyishly at his pun.

Ron groaned, and Hermione sighed.

* * *

It was Halloween morning, and Harry woke up with a throbbing headache. He pulled on his robes backwards, and drowsily tripped over multiple paintings to get into the Great Hall.

" Watch where you're stepping, boy!" Said a painting.

" That's my face!"

The boy was in a foul mood when he entered the Great Hall.

" You reckon he'll make any puns when he's this tired?"

" Nah, I don't think he can even think properly!"

" Harry, you need a cup of coffee." Hermione said, " The caffeine will wake you up, but unfortunately it'll stain your teeth too, so you should brush your teeth afterwards."

Harry murmured a 'yes mom' sleepily and pointed at the coffee cup with his wand, " Expresso Patronum..."

Ron sweatdropped, and Hermione hid a smile.

* * *

" We will be dissecting toads today to harvest their organs for the internal draft potion," Snape's voice drifted through the cold chambers.

However, unlike his other classes, everyone held their breath for what Harry Potter, the boy who punned and lived, would say.

" Hey Professor Snape," He said.

" What, Potter." Snape could feel a ghost of a smile crawling to his face.

" What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad."

" That's crossing the line, Potter!"

" The toad says, 'ribbit, ribbit'. The horny toad says 'rub-it, rub-it'!"

All Harry got as a reply was a whack on his head.


	2. Chapter 2

" Potter."

Because someone in one of Snape's potion classes had rigged the attendance book, they had to go back to the old fashion way–roll call with a quill and parchment paper.

" Present and Snape, sir, please call me by my first and last name."

Professor Snape's lips curled up in disgust, " You'll have to refer me by Professor Snape, Harry Potter."

Harry shook his head, " Professor, you've got it all mixed up. My last name is Ever, and my first name is Greatest."

" I didn't realize your middle name was Failure," Snape said.

Harry's jaw dropped to the ground and his classmates ducked their heads to hide their grins. Ron's laughs escaped through his palms which triggered Dean's loud guffaws, making Hermione blush in embarrassment for her house. On the other hand, Slytherin was rolling on the ground with laughter.

" What's wrong now, Potter." Snape bit out coldly.

" I'm not sure whether or not I'm incredibly proud or very insulted."

* * *

" Hey, hey, hey, Penelope, wake up!"

Harry had a joke that he desperately wanted to tell someone but today, they had randomly assigned partners. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the ravenclaw Penelope Clearwater had gotten paired up with him.

Contrary to popular belief, she was quite the napper during Charms, the most boring class in the world.

" Pene–"

" Yes, Harry?" Penelope asked, opening one eye, just enough to hold Harry's gaze.

" I knew you weren't always asleep!"

Penelope sighed, " Are you about to tell me a joke?"

Harry beamed, practically radiating light as he nodded.

" Did you hear about the kid-napping at Hogwarts? It's okay, she woke up."

Penelope groaned and fell back asleep, but Harry was positive he saw the small tugging of her lips at the corner of her mouth, signaling the small smile that emitted from it.

" I knew you'd like it!"

* * *

" Harry!" Screamed Hermione.

It was during his quidditch match, that suddenly, his beloved broom, the _Nimbus 2000_ started to shake and shimmy like it was doing the Magic Mike Strip. He swore he wet his pants when it swerved an incredibly high turn.

" Whoa!"

Hermione turned to Ron and sighed, " I swear, every time, we're like: 'Harry, no!' but Harry is like: 'Harry yes!'"

On the broom, Harry heard this phrase. He mentally grinned but his broom lurched again, making him hang by the fingertips. Even though his next words weren't going to be a pun, it was still worth saying it.

" I heard that, you ho!"

* * *

On the grounds of Hogwarts, there was a small hut with a large man inside. Some say he was a giant, but in all honesty, he was a _half_ giant. Many assume that he takes care of magical creatures while he's alone with Fang, others say he sleeps.

They were mostly right, however... There was always one little boy in his head he couldn't stop thinking about.

Harry Potter.

Hagrid was brilliant, as he had somehow bent the rules of magical wand usage all by himself, and figured out many mysteries at Hogwarts. The sorting hat had a nagging feeling that maybe it placed Hagrid in the wrong house.

Maybe he belonged in Ravenclaw.

For one week, Hagrid left the grounds of Hogwarts to search for the answer to his question.

 _Why didn't Harry Potter receive a single letter?_

They had sent tons, hundreds upon hundreds to that small house on Privet Drive. Hagrid was walking in the front porch of that house and gently pushed the door open. It fell apart in one touch.

" Oops," He grumbled.

Inside, were tons of abandoned, unopened, and partially ripped letters upon the ground. Hagrid looked at them curiously, knowing that all the letters would be the same.

" Why didn't Harry read any of these, they're all over the place!"

Muttering a silent spell, he cast a footprint tracing spell, tracking the smallest footprints all over the house. The freshest ones were ones walking towards the door and by the fireplace. They seemed to be jumping, with sets of footprints landing and hopping around.

Hagrid looked at them even closer and suddenly buffawled loudly.

" The reason why Harry Potter didn't receive a single letter was because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters in the air instead of taking one from the effing floor!" Hagrid's baffled voice could be heard from miles.

In Hogwarts, Harry let out a sneeze.

" Someone must be talking about you, Potter." Snape's cold voice sent chills all around the room.

" Well of course, I am 'Potter, our new celebrity'."

All Harry got in response was a whack on his head and sniggers.

* * *

" Hey, hey Cho, can I tell you a joke?"

Even though he was just a first year, everyone knew who _the_ Harry Potter was. The second year Ravenclaw Asian blushed prettily and turned around with a smile and nodded.

" Fine... Go ahead."

" I'm as single as a Knut," He paused for dramatic effect, " But I'm looking for some change!"

Before Cho could reply, a holler came from the end of the hallway, " Potter, you already used that pickup line on me!"

* * *

" Why are you looking so down, Harry?" Professor McGonagall asked seriously during Transfiguration Class, " Is everything alright?"

" No..." Harry sighed.

" What's wrong?"

" It's just," Harry looked up towards the Professor," Malfoy shunned me for my puns."

* * *

" POTTER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Percy said, looking on the door to the boy's dormitory.

The scream was so loud that everyone from the Common Room ran to see what was happening. The boys climbed the stairs like hell was on the heels, while the girls tried to peek into the dormitories, unable to cross the boundary.

On the First Year Boy's Dormitory door, was Harry Potter who was standing on a stool, painting on the wood with black paint. His body and hands covered the letters, but Percy could distincting make out the D in the first word.

" ARE YOU WRITING DICK ON THE DOOR, THAT IS HONESTLY–"

Percy's words died on his lips and a burst of laughter escaped.

Harry proudly bowed and stepped down, showing the word 'dumble' written on the door.

" Dumbledoor."


	3. Chapter 3

" Hey, hey, Malfoy."

" Yes, Potter."

Draco's snide voice answered Harry. His tone seemed like he was annoyed, but Harry could tell from Draco's eyes that he was smiling and intently listening to his next words. Harry was filled with glee.

" So I told ten puns to ten different friends–"

" So Potter has friends, eh?" Draco interrupted with a sneer.

" Oh shut up, anyways, I told ten puns to ten different friends to get them to laugh, and guess what?"

" What."

" No-pun-in-ten-did! (No pun intended)."

Draco Malfoy slid off his chair and banged his head against the table in exasperation. Harry almost clapped his hands in joy, and immediately became stone faced and pretended to stir his cauldron when Snape gave them a glare.

* * *

Fred and George had been experimenting with dry ice again, however, this time they had been caught after a particularly nasty injury.

" WEASLEY'S!" McGonagall's voice could be heard from the Common Room, " Playing with dangerous muggle objects like dry ice that could potentially kill you! Completely unacceptable and dangerous even for a Gryffindor..."

That was all Harry needed to hear.

Spinning around he said, " Fred and George are really cool–"

"... Now's not the time Harry..." Hermione said.

" _like dry ice cool..."_

* * *

Hermione let out a squeal, " Did you hear about Sergeant James in the Muggle World? He just came back from the Vietnam War... And his stories are just horrid!"

She gushed towards Harry, ignoring the confused look Ron sent towards her.

" Was he the one sprayed by pepper spray and mustard gas?"

Hermione gave an affirmative nod.

" He must be a seasoned veteran!"

A barking laugh left Ron, even though he didn't know either of those were.

* * *

Harry noticed that his Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor looked down, so he decided to cheer him up.

" Hey, Professor Quirrell!"

" Y-Yes, Harry P-Potter," The professor stuttered out, almost shaking in fear as the 'Boy-Who-Lived' talked to him.

" Are you ready for Troll-o-ween? It's tomorrow!"

Instead of getting a laugh out of the professor, Harry thought he saw the professor's' face color drain. He had turned from a stuttering man to a silent, white-faced man. Everyone else's' eyes widened, thinking that Halloween was perhaps offensive to the perhaps Muslim man.

However, Harry was suspicious, his brain gears rolling at a million miles per hour.

" Oh my god, Professor, I'm so sorry! Here let me tell you another one... Why would a professor release a troll into the dungeon?"

There was no reply so Harry assumed that he was listening.

" To distract everyone else and go into the third corridor!"

Quirrell fell in a dead faint onto the ground. Someone elbowed Harry in the stomach.

" That wasn't even a good joke, Potter," Malfoy spat at his face, " Look at what you did to the poor professor."

Although it was his worse joke yet to date–His puns had told him exactly what he needed to know, and Professor had just been trolled by him.

No pun intended.

* * *

It was Halloween, and Harry was on the edge of his seat. On one hand it was the perfect day for puns, but on the other hand, Quirrell could be doing something horrible to the school.

He held up a highlighter on the morning of Halloween and cleared his throat to get the Gryffindor tables' attention. Without knowing, the entire Great Hall had quieted down to listen to what 'the Harry Potter' had to say.

 **Pun #1: Let the Games Begin**

Harry blushed and raised his highlighter, " This is... The highlight of my day."

He bowed and sat down.

Roars erupted in the Great Hall, and muggle-borns started laughing along with some Half-Bloods. However, the entire Slytherin table looked confused and pretended to glare at everyone else.

 **Pun #2: Bacon**

Harry was starving and it had only been two minutes since the last pun. After making history and that great pun, he was famished. Looking at Ron's plate, he couldn't help but drool at the amount of bacon and toast piled on top of each other.

While grabbing bacon, he nudged Ron, " Ron, hey, I've got a great pun."

" Go ahead, mate," Was all Ron said while he stuffed his mouth with strips of bacon.

" Why did the pig stop sunbathing?"

" Hm..." Ron stopped chewing to ponder upon this pun, " Why?"

" Because he was bacon in the heat!"

* * *

 **Pun #3: Mummies**

" Hey, hey, Susan!"

Harry came up to the brunette with a mouth full of white teeth and sparkling eyes, " What's a mummy's favorite type of music?"

Susan shrugged but couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm, " Um... Pop?"

" Wrap!"

She giggled.

* * *

 **Pun #4: Mummies 2.0**

He was feeling pretty ecstatic. It had been only half an hour since he woke up and he'd already made three great puns. At this rate, he'd be able to do about one hundred! Harry patted himself in the back and ran towards Dean.

" Why do mummies make good spies?"

Dean stopped in his tracks and pondered, " No idea, why?"

" They're good at keeping things under the wrap!"

Harry saw Dean start to laugh but then at that moment, Snape turned the corner with his billowing black cape and frowned at them. It was then that Harry noticed that they were the only ones in that corridor.

" Thomas! Potter! Wandering the Halls–"

They fled.

* * *

 **Pun #5: Vampires**

" Hey Padma!"

The indian girl ignored him and continued sketching a picture of gillyweed.

" Psst... Padma!"

She turned her head ever so slightly, " What do you want Harry?"

" Not much." Harry grinned, " But where do Vampires store all their money?"

Padma scratched her chin and tilted her head, " At the bank...?"

" More specifically, the blood bank!"

She giggled and shook her head in disappointment. Harry went back to drawing his diagram with a smile and a triumphant sparke in his eyes.

* * *

Headless Nicholas looked at the ice-cream with tears in his eyes. It was lunch time and all the Hogwarts students were eating. Harry looked towards the Gryffindor ghost and frowned at how hungry he looked.

" Hey Nick!" Harry called and waved a hand towards him.

He floated over sadly, " Yes?"

" What kind of ice cream do ghosts serve?" Harry asked him.

" Gelato?"

Harry looked at him in confusion, " No... Ice scream!"

* * *

 _Any suggestions/puns for the next chapter? It'd be great! Please review and tell me what you think of this so far :)_


End file.
